I know that when I get out of here the first thing they start saying is, “Oh look, a jail bird!”

They think like that because they don’t know what kind of a jail system I’m in. They figure I was locked up in four walls - just go in a line to eat - behind bars.

When I saw this big jail with the sheriff I asked myself, what did I get myself in for? But now I did my time here. At least I met people here. I go to programs. I like the community. I just avoid the ones who aren’t friendly. How they treat me, I treat the same way. I have respect for other people.

I’m starting to feel lonely. I really want to go home. But then I say, what’s the rush of getting back? I phone and they tell me about the wedding, but other than that things are just the same.

I know all my friends are going to tease me. When I get back I’m not going to show myself in the public eye right away. There are going to be mixed emotions.

People will ask, “Oh did you learn your lesson? What are you going to do with your life now?” They don’t know what’s going on in my head. They don’t know what it’s like to have my privileges taken away. We can do a lot in here. If we follow the rules everything goes okay for us. But if we don’t it’s pretty bad. We don’t have many choices.

I know when I get out I’ll probably think twice before doing things. For one thing, I’m not going to drink and drive again!

I have to talk to my sisters. Don’t expect me to change just like that. My feelings get hurt easy. So if a person says something, I know I’m going to defend myself - make them see my point is strong.

People. They don’t really understand.

‘Cause I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in here and I know things are going to be different. When I get back I have friends and all my sisters are my support. But I don’t think I can work at forestry again.

I feel like putting a bag over my head because they put my picture on the front page - said, “CONVICTED ON TWELVE COUNTS. AT LARGE” in big letters. I’m marked as a bad person. I know I did wrong, but still, they don’t know the truth of it. They don’t know what happened, or the reasons, or what’s in my head.

So I want to see Bea, to get counselling when I get back. I want to work on myself at first, to get my confidence up. All my life I’ve let men take control. Now I’ve got to work on myself.

Delorais
Inmate
Burnaby Correctional Centre for Women

Update: I found Delorais on Facebook. She lives back home with her family and speaks of her grandkids. She managed to overcome the ridicule she feared and has restored her place in the community.