(In court) there’s a sense that all of me is present, from my beginning to my present. And I’m there to speak truth whether it’s received or not.

There was a battle happening between my mind and my spirit. As I tried to figure out what the lawyer was trying to do with my truth, my spirit would come in and say, “Never mind. Don’t try to figure out the web. Because if you try to figure it out you’ll get caught.” This was about the late afternoon when it finally came to the place of giving in to my spirit, speaking my truth and trusting the Creator. After that he (the lawyer) went into my childhood abuse which involved my family. I felt really angry that he was stripping me and it was my spirit again that said, “This is the truth. There’s no shame. The family’s been responsible. The family’s been accountable. Where’s the shame?” I went outside after I asked for a break, and I stood and looked up at the sky and I wished that all of my family was there to experience the Creator saying, “There is no shame”. And this weight just went off me. All my fear, I was just really thankful for who I am, for the family that I was born into, for the courage that the Creator has given me.

(This is) what I said in a session I had. It’s like I’m in a womb. It’s something that came about before I went to court. It describes what is happening. The womb is the world. I know so many people say it’s an evil world. It’s a destructive world. It’s a world that wants to kill your soul and your spirit. But I don’t believe that’s the world. The world whose womb I am in is the world that the Creator spoke and it came into existence. It’s the breath of the Creator. And it’s a world of beauty and life. The evil does exist. I see it and I hear it and it confronts me. And it’s the evil that strengthens my desire to connect with the Creator. So here I am in this womb and it’s the womb of the world. And I’m pressing my ear against the membrane, and I’m working hard to feel through my ear the vibration of the heartbeat of the Creator. And that’s what I want to live. I want to live that heartbeat.

I feel sad (about the man who abused me). I feel a sadness for him as a human being. He’s close to retirement and he’s at a place in his life where I believe a person needs to walk with integrity and grace and peace about the life that they’ve lived, connected with their spirit and their soul and how good their soul is. I see him all stooped over, not knowing his authentic self. He’s given in to the evil.

I also feel angry that he violated my trust in him as a professional caregiver. I feel angry that he sexually assaulted me when I was in awe and wonderment of my body. He shamed me. I still feel responsible because I was twenty, and before the trial date comes I’m going to work through that because I believe it’s about still carrying his shame. In my head I know I’m not responsible, but my heart needs to know it and accept it. So I’m going to work on that journey.

Patricia Vickers
Counsellor, Private Practice

Update: Patricia has worked for many years in the helping professions, and as an artist. Currently she is the Director of Mental Wellness Clinical Services for the First Nations Health Authority.